Radiate Positivity

Life has been pretty calm these days, which is kind of nice for a change! I am in the middle of radiation treatments right now, but they have become so routine that I can carry out a fairly regular life in the meantime. Everyday from April 8th thru May 16th, Monday-Friday, I am expected to be at Uconn to intentionally expose my body to direct radiation with hopes of destroying any remaining cancer cells within my chest wall and spine. Radiation is a targeted therapy so any side effects, like redness or soreness, are usually restricted to just the areas being radiated. However, I have definitely noticed some fatigue encompassing my entire body over the last week. This fatigue is different than how I felt after chemotherapy, though. Rather than waking up barely able to move, now I am just completely beat by dinner time as if I hadn't slept in ages. I am also noticing some nausea since the radiation is also being targeted at my L1 vertebrae which is right near my stomach. I am officially halfway done at this point, though, so I am starting to see the light!

At the end of March, I went in for a simulation radiation appointment. I was a bit nervous, but more-so excited to see what radiation was all about. I feel as if it is the one part of treatment that never gets any light shed on it, and yet it is probably more time consuming than anything else! I sat in the waiting room of radiation oncology just weeks after my double mastectomy. The room was long and bright with a friendly woman sitting at the desk, a Keurig waiting to be brewed, and commercials for dietary suggestions on the television. I was waiting just a couple of minutes when a woman about my age with dark shoulder-length hair came up to me and said "Sarah?" I nodded and smiled. "You can come with me." We walked and talked down the hallway as she described what I would do each time I came in. I received a plastic card with my name, a list of phone numbers, and a barcode on it - talk about VIP treatment! Rather than checking in at the desk, I was to come in, scan my card, and head right back to the changing room...where I would be greeted with a red carpet, wine, cheese, and a massage...Plot twist! 😝 Just kidding! Instead, I was to walk back, change into my Radiant Wrap (pictured below - check them out on instagram please!), barely wait any more than 5 minutes, and my girl, Jill, would escort me to the big radiation room.

The simulation room was set up very similar to the actual room I'd be getting treatment in. The day of my simulation, I neglected to bring along my Radiant Wrap, so I changed into an oh-so flattering hospital gown and was led into a large room with what looked like a CT scan in the middle of it. I lay down on the bed, pulled the gown down to my waist, and struggled as I put my arms up in the red stirrups they put above my head - I definitely I had some more stretching to do after surgery! The techs were so nice, though, and understood all that I went through just weeks before. They tucked some washcloths under my elbows which helped tremendously since this was going to be the position I needed to be in for treatment to my chest wall. The difficult part about treatment like this is that they don't want to damage my heart or lungs! In order to avoid any issues, I needed to control my breathing through my chest and expand it as wide as possible while holding it for the duration of each treatment. To ensure that this is done correctly, they gave me VR glasses that shows a bar graph with a box at the top. There was a sensor attached to the ceiling that measured how far I was expanding my chest when I inhaled. The wider my chest grew, the further up the bar would go. My goal was to get the bar within the box. If at any point during treatment I coughed or the bar went outside of the box, the machine would shut down and we'd start again for safety reasons. It is actually a pretty neat concept! While I was getting scanned, everyone else left the room and they spoke to me through an intercom to tell me when to breathe. "Take a deep breath in and hold..." I would hold it for a few seconds, "And breathe out".

To make sure that I was lined up correctly on the machine, lasers pointed down on me and I got 8 tattoo dots where the lasers hit my skin. Once I began treatment, they also marked other areas with sharpies and stickers. I'm a real museum now, when you add all the paint and markers my kids get on me, too! 😹 After lining me up for my chest wall, they then needed to reposition me for my spine. I got up off the table and the techs took off certain equipment and put down a flat board with pegs for my hands to hold. Then, they took out this special contraption that reminded me of one of those vacuum bags you use to store a dresser worth of clothes under your bed...I know you've at least seen the infomercial! Well, we needed to be sure that I was especially still, because we don't want to radiate my spinal cord, so I sat on this vacuum bag and it conformed to the shape of my bottom and the curve of my back. Once I was situated, they scanned me to make sure everything looked straight and I was good to go!....every day...Monday thru Friday....for 6 weeks. Joy.

My first day of treatment was a couple weeks later. On my daughter's fourth birthday, April 8th, I went in for a practice round. That morning, my sister and I took our kids to a trampoline park to burn some energy, celebrate L's big day, and to get my mind off of my appointment that afternoon. My husband got home at 2:30pm, we had a quick kiss in the driveway, and I hopped in my car to make it to Uconn in time for 3:00pm! (Another reason I am so glad I live close my oncology center - I don't have to worry about childcare!) I made it there with little traffic, parked in the garage, and power-walked my way to radiation oncology on the first floor. I whipped out my fancy VIP card, scanned in like a pro, and walked down to my changing room, complete with four lockers, a bench, a mirror, but no wine OR cheese. Damn. HOWEVER, instead of donning a typical hospital gown, I brought along my generously gifted Radiant Wrap and I was the fanciest patient in there! I continue to get compliments everyday and it has been working out perfectly!

The same girls who did my simulation were there to bring me in. The room looked almost identical to the simulation room I was in just weeks before, and the props were already set up for me to climb onto. Since it was just a practice round, they took 'films' or x-rays to make sure everything looked right, threw on some stickers, changed my positioning, and scanned my spine alignment. Everything looked good and I was ready to start treatment the next day. I will receive a total of 28 treatments to my chest wall and 25 treatments to my spine. Every other day, they put a large square of  thick, skin like material called a bolus on my chest. This tricks the machine to radiate my chest wall at different depths to target the treatment the right way. Most days go pretty smoothly and I can be in and out within 30 minutes or so, but other days take longer if they need to take x-rays or if they're having trouble aligning me correctly. The time goes by pretty quickly, especially when they remember to play my Shania Twain station request on Pandora! 😉

After my practice round, I met with my radiation oncologist and his nurse to go over some products to use to minimize any side effects. I had already done a ton of research on what to expect before beginning radiation, but it was nice to hear what they had to say went along with what I had read. The number one rule when undergoing radiation is to avoid using any skin products with any fragrance in them! Your body wash, soap, and lotions should all be fragrance-free! If there is any type of fragrance left on your skin, the rays will burn it right up and you do NOT want that. My skin is already turning red, so I would hate to see how much worse it would be if I did not switch to fragrance-free. It's also important to avoid any lotions 4-hours prior to treatment and to wipe off any deodorant before treatment as well. I have made the switch to using natural deodorant anyways, so the nurse said that should be okay to use since it does not contain aluminum. Aquaphor is another popular product patients use right after treatment or before bed. It tends to stain clothes, though, so I have been wearing camis under any shirts I don't want to ruin. Another product that has been recommended to me that I like to use at night is called Skin Soother from Etsy (check out my Products page). It is all natural and works really well to improve any redness.

I am officially at the halfway point of my radiation treatment.

14 treatments done.
14 days of driving back and forth to the hospital.
14 days of rubbing lotion, Aquaphor, and Skin Soother on my body.
14 days of baring my scarred chest to strangers.
14 days of interrupting my family's afternoon.
14 days of giving this cancer a sucker punch to the fucking face with hopes of never having to deal with it again!

I am so very close to being done with the active part of my treatment. Although this will be a HUGE milestone, it is still very bittersweet for me because I know I am still in it for the long haul. After radiation is over, I will continue to receive infusion every 3 weeks, zoladex/xgeva shots every 4 weeks, follow-up with my oncologist every 3 months, and get PET scans every 6 months. Back in October, I had a hard time envisioning what my life would look like at this point, but overall I am pretty damn happy.

Living My Breast Life

I often agree with people when they say social media has ruined the way we interact with each other. We are too entranced by our phones that we rarely look up to see the world around us. We would rather scroll through pictures of someone else's adventure than make our own, and we've lost that irreplaceable connection you have with someone when you talk to them face-to-face. When you're hidden behind a keyboard, you can be anyone you want to be and say anything you want to say, no matter how cruel. You don't have to deal with the reaction of the person on the other end, unless a reaction is what you are looking for. On the other hand, not everyone on the internet is an offending muggle! Some people use social media for good. They can be who they want to be and say what they want to say to get the word out about something IMPORTANT!

As most of you know, October is breast cancer awareness month. Luckily for me, I was diagnosed with breast cancer October 2nd. So, while I was wearing endless hospital gowns, being poked by needles, getting drilled into my spine, waiting for biopsy results, crying in front of strangers, and questioning how long I have left to live, I got to see pink balloons and breast cancer awareness signs literally everywhere I went. It was haunting. We are all AWARE that breast cancer exists. Most of us have seen the commercials on TV, walked miles in pink t-shirts, and changed our profile pictures on Facebook to support those of us dealing with the disease, but the problem is that we stop there. We are raising money, but where does that money actually go? To the pink shirts, bracelets, and pins we wear? To the huge events held to promote awareness? To the CEOs of these foundations? I am definitely not saying we should stop walking or forget about the awareness aspect completely. Awareness is important and still very much needed! However, breast cancer is more than just a pink ribbon and, sometimes, it's easy to forget that.

Shortly after I was diagnosed, I did a little search to see what different organizations there are to support people like me. I quickly found that there are literally countless groups around the country who do amazing things for breast cancer patients, it's astounding! I found some of these organizations on Instagram and have been able to learn so much from them (just one of the perks of social media)! One of these groups using social media for support is an organization called Metavivor. Ever heard of it? Me either, until just recently...Metavivor is a non-profit dedicated to increasing awareness specifically to metastatic breast cancer, which is is the only breast cancer that KILLS. They are also the only organization to donate 100% of its proceeds to metastatic breast cancer research! Honestly, now that we are AWARE of this deadly disease, lets put some money into finding a CURE! We have all heard of the American Cancer Society and Susan G. Komen, why did I have to wait until after my diagnosis to learn about Metavivor?

Through Metavivor's Instagram page, I have been able to connect to people all over the country who have been diagnosed with breast cancer, but more specifically metastatic breast cancer. I can relate to them and they understand what I am going through more than anyone! I can ask strangers questions about their experiences and get advice from them about how to make a certain decision or what products to use throughout the different stages of treatment. On Instagram, it has also been nice because everything is through pictures and videos. I can literally see the side effects they're describing and watch their hair growth after chemo! I can also prepare myself for what my mastectomy will look like or how sore and red my chest will get after radiation. It is such a supportive community that no one ever wants to be a part of...

Last month, I started seeing people share posts about Metavivor teaming up with Ana Ono Intimates (intimate apparel dedicated to women who have undergone mastectomies and/or radiation) during New York Fashion Week! All of the models for the show were diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and 100% of the proceeds would be donated to Metavivor and put towards research! Of course I had dreams of attending, but our budget is tight with me not working right now, and I couldn't justify the cost of a trip into the city and a ticket to fashion week. About a week before the show, they shared that people sponsored enough tickets to the show that MBC patients could send in their information for a chance to be added to their guest list at no cost! I sent in my name and email and was notified a couple days later that I was chosen to join the once in a lifetime experience! I quickly reached out to a couple of my friends who spontaneously decided to come along with one question - "What do we wear!?"

The picture above is of me in my fabulous royal blue jumpsuit I found at Marshalls for $25, minus a $15 gift card, for a grand total of $10!! Jack-freaking-pot! The color was perfect, because I truly felt like ROYALTY! My friends and I took a surprisingly smooth drive into NYC, parked in a nearby garage, and found the venue quite easily (once we put the right address into the GPS! 😝) The doors to the Angel Orensanz Foundation opened at noon, and we walked right in no problem! After checking in, and our 2-hour car ride, we blindly rushed to the extremely tiny ladies room to freshen up. When we walked back out, we were in absolute amazement at how beautiful this place was! Angel Orensanz is an old synagogue built in 1849, that has since been renovated and is now used for private events, fundraisers, concerts, and fashion shows. Not only did the architecture and lighting catch our eye, but the strong and powerful faces of the people walking around us stopped me in my tracks. I was truly amazed and felt so comfortable being in such a large space filled with people just like me. To call it empowering is an understatement.

After snapping a couple pictures, we made our way upstairs to the balcony where they had a nice brunch spread out for everyone to enjoy, and a fancy "red carpet" to take more photos on (see above!) We spent some time up there laughing, chatting, eating, and drinking...I even found some Instagram followers who I had connected with before, which was really pretty neat! We went back downstairs to claim our spot and ended up meeting some other people while we waited for the show to start. One woman was a survivor, and there was a man there whose wife was one of the models! He shared her story and it was as if he was talking about me - under 40, toddler at home, recently diagnosed de novo (stage IV at first diagnosis) with bone mets. I knew we had to connect and, sure enough, social media came through for us again! We've been following each other for just a couple weeks now but we already have plans to meet up and have a play date for the kiddos!

Just after 1 o'clock, a man came on the stage to open the show. He also had metastatic breast cancer, which is yet another reminder that men need to check themselves too! He gave us two numbers: 40,000 - the number of people who die from breast cancer each year, and 113 - the number of people who die each day from MBC. What a way to set the tone. These numbers are not only too high, but truthfully, these numbers should not even exist! As he finished his speech, the crowd of people in that room roared for his bravery and we all knew we were in for a phenomenal show! Before the models  came out, a gorgeous voice took the mic and sang a moving song she wrote just for us. As her song ended, the speakers shook the room with songs like "I'm Every Woman" by Whitney Houston, "Run the World" by Beyonce, and "PYT" by Michael Jackson. We couldn't help but dance, shout, and cheer on the strong women who took the stage in front of us! It was unforgettable. Women of all ages, shapes, colors, and sizes strutted their stuff that day and gave us all the encouragement we needed to not only be comfortable in our own skin, but to also see what Ana Ono Intimates looks like on REAL women who NEED them. These women have these bras and underwear in their drawers at home because they are so very comfortable, yes, AND because their bodies have undergone things you wouldn't believe! This wasn't just an ordinary fashion show, though. This was a movement, a call for CHANGE! These women modeled off gorgeous apparel while also sending important messages to everyone...

Words like "I AM LIVING" "NOT JUST ONE" "METASTATIC AF" "1 in 3" "FIERCE" "MOTHER" "FEARLESS" and "SAVE US" were also walking that cat walk. There is more than just one person living with this incurable disease. Sadly, but truthfully, we are an army! Let's just say, Metavivor and Ana Ono really got their message across. Simply stated, it's time for a change....it's time for a CURE!

Once the fashion show was over, we walked out of that building new women. My friends that came with me may not have MBC, but all three of us were changed after that experience. It wasn't just a cancer reality check, but it made me rethink how I live my life. I'm going to focus more on living in the moment rather than worrying about my future. There's no time for that. Right now, we need to lift each other up and do what we can to get everyone to live their longest and absolute BEST lives every day. What can we do today to better our tomorrows? 

I have received so many compliments on how "strong" and "positive" I have been since my diagnosis last October. I find myself questioning how authentic these comments are, though, because isn't that just what you say to people with cancer? Then people assure me that it is when I share a picture of me smiling or enjoying an event like this on social media that tells them that they can have a good time and enjoy their life, too, no matter what is thrown at them! Let me tell you, not once did I ever think that I would be diagnosed with a terminal illness. Not once did I think I would ever need chemotherapy or a bilateral mastectomy. Sure I have my down days like anyone does, but NOT ONCE did this cancer ever keep me from smiling or laughing or enjoying special moments with friends and family. I will keep laughing until the day I die, and I will post proof of my smile everyday if I have to, even if it's just to smack cancer in the face one more time!

Cancer - Check!

Just a couple months ago, I thought I had a mediocre life. I was getting bored. I wanted everyday to be an adventure. I was sick of the day-in and day-out of wiping noses, ABC's, grocery shopping, and eating the same damn things for dinner. What I really wanted was a change in scenery. Maybe moving to a different state would solve all of these problems? Nah, I doubt it.

I guess you could say I get bored easily. My life wasn't really that uneventful, I'm just that oddball who actually likes change. I like the excitement of doing new things and creating new experiences with people! For several years, my life naturally brought new things to be excited about. I married my husband in 2013, just a year after graduating college. It was a beautiful, outdoor ceremony in July with all of our friends and family surrounding us under tall pine trees. Just a day after our honeymoon, we bought a little ranch-style house in a quiet neighborhood just next door to the town where I grew up. That year, we also adopted Cooper, our loud, always hungry, licking and sniffing Beagle! About a year after that, we found out we were having our first baby. I know every woman has her own thing to say about pregnancy, but I absolutely loved it! Those 9 months were so magical for me, and in 2015, our little girl was born (talk about life-changer!) Just before L's first birthday, we found out I was pregnant yet again! This time, it was a baby boy, and in 2016, T joined our family to add even more excitement!

Since then, it's been doing all we can to pay our bills, get rid of debt, and maintain our house, while creating the best possible childhoods for our kids. My husband and I have had quite the adventure so far, and rattling off these HUGE life events right now makes my life sound more exciting than I ever even realized! All I ever paid attention to was the lack of huge life events for the past 2 years...(wow, Sarah...calm down). I mean, how many life changing events does a single person even need to have in their lifetime? We were hoping to add a third child to our list, but I guess cancer is another life-changer!

I'm really not trying to be depressing when I say that, either... I am literally laughing as I am typing this right now. I wanted an exciting life thats ever-changing, and I am getting it that's for sure! Anyone want to direct my real-life movie?? Can Julia Roberts please play my character? I love her.

You're right, that's a whole other topic for a separate blog...

I guess what I am saying is 'be careful what you wish for'. We scroll through social media everyday seeing everyone's best life. Then, when other people share that their life is in shambles, we roll our eyes that they're complaining. We see these perfect snapshots of single moments in people's lives, but this is not their life all the time! No one wants to see a picture of you at work...(unless you're Mike Rowe or Ellen or something)...and no one wants a snapchat video of them nuking chicken nuggets for the third night in a row...(actually, I'm pretty sure someone's probably done that before, but that's besides the point!)We see the best sides of people's lives on social media because that's what we want to see! Yet, if all we do is compare our own lives to these unrealistic glimpses into other lives, sure we're going to be left wanting more for ourselves. In reality, though, the grass is not always greener.

I used to want an exciting life, something worth writing a blog about, and I sure as hell got it, but it comes with a price. Lately, I've been missing my boring life with nothing written on my calendar. Now, my days are filled with doctor's appointments and everything else is tentative depending on whether or not I can get up off the couch. Now, I wish I could go back to eating the same damn things for dinner instead of everything tasting weird or hurting my mouth when I chew. Luckily, I have been able to manage a pretty normal life for the second 10 days after treatment. It's on these days that I can go out with the kids on my own, run errands, take L to school, and save the relaxing until their nap-time. After each chemo, I countdown the days until I can do these things. I am actually looking forward to grocery shop! Sometimes, I'll even park further away so I can walk more, simply because I have the energy to!

Life before my diagnosis was almost like a checklist. I experienced all of these amazing things, but always rushed through them, eager to check off the next life event. Cancer has been my one life-altering event that you would think would be the one I'd want to rush through to get it over with, but instead it's convinced me to slow down. I can't look too far ahead or else I end up just scaring myself. Instead, I've learned to take everything one day at a time and truly embrace those boring days when I feel like myself again. It's days like these that keep me grounded and remind me of the life I used to live. They encourage me that I will once again have my life back and under control after all is said and done. This is a long process I am going through, but it is all temporary. In the meantime, I will keep living each day as it comes, just hoping for a day to simply run errands.

The Beginning of a New (Year's) Day

Today is January 1, 2019. It is New Year's Day...a day where many people begin new goals, make resolutions, absolve themselves of any negativity and bad habits in their lives. For some reason, people feel they need the start of a new year to have a 'clean slate' and to 'start fresh'. I suppose it makes sense...but I've never been one to make a solid 'New Year's resolution'. Sure, I've told myself that it's time to get in shape, eat healthy, and move more, but I think the timing just always lined up after stuffing my face with food for a month and receiving several discounted gym membership offers in the mail....

Lately, though, I've been taking things a bit slower, living one day at a time. For me, I don't know what each day is going to look or feel like. Instead, I've been creating a 'clean slate' and a 'fresh start' each and every day. If I'm having a bad day one day, whether it's pain or discomfort physically, or feeling sad or worried about my future, I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is always a new chance to wake up with a better mindset and to feel more refreshed. I feel grateful for my tomorrows. You really never know what tomorrow may bring you or who you may meet. Why wait for the new year to be more generous or to exercise? Why wait to slow down or practice saying 'no' every once in a while? If you really want to be this type of person that you envision for the new year, then just start it when the opportunity comes up! Don't wait. You never know what might get in the way of these goals down the road. Sometimes there may be speed bumps or detours, and sometimes you may never get there...

I have to say, I had a pretty eventful 2018. I closed up my home daycare and pursued a new endeavor in real estate, including coursework over the summer and passing my exam in October. I enjoyed many adventures with my little family of four including hikes, museums, the Ben & Jerry's factory, a flight down to Atlanta, a week on the Jersey shore, and lots of ice cream of course! I FINALLY got to see my childhood idol, Shania Twain, in concert in July (HUGE highlight in my life)!!! I also worked on my health by eating right and running more than I have ever run in my entire life! The year started off pretty great, and most of it was actually really fun! Sadly, it had a tough ending. I know I've said in previous posts that I am remaining positive through all of this, but reality is reality! Getting diagnosed with cancer sucks. It is not how I envisioned my year to end. Yes, I am happy that I was able to experience everything that I did earlier in the year, but no one will ever tell you that they are happy to throw cancer in the mix of everything else in their lives.

I wasn't planning on ending my real estate path after the exam...I had plans to work and start an actual career for myself. Now, that's all on the back burner until I get my health under control. I also wasn't planning to stop running...I had plans to finish my first half marathon. Now, I have to start training from the beginning again, whenever my heart can handle it after chemo is complete, I'm healed from my surgery, and radiation is done. There are things that I've missed out on, things that I wish I could say that I have done in 2018, that just never happened. Sure, there's always this year, and I hope that I can accomplish what I want in 2019, but that is simply not guaranteed. It's not guaranteed for anyone, because no one knows what tomorrow may bring.

In the big scheme of things, 2018 did not end as I wanted it to, and 2019 did not start like I wanted it to, but I have to say, today I am well, and I have high hopes for my tomorrow. Next week, I won't be feeling so great after Monday's infusion, but I need to take it one day at a time. I need to embrace the energy and appetite I have today. I need to take advantage of the quality time I have with my kids while I am able to get up off the couch to do a puzzle with them or take them to the library. I can't worry about next week, I need to appreciate today.

I made my 'resolution' to slow down back in October. I couldn't wait for the new year to be the person I wanted to be. I have always been the type to plan out my life years in advance and to rush through the small steps it takes to get to where I want to be. Now, I am working on living in the present. I am creating memories with my children now instead of worrying about where we are or what we will be doing years from now. Since my diagnosis, I've pushed myself to continue experiencing things outside of the hospital. We had a fantastic Wizard of Oz themed Halloween, went to the Blaze pumpkin festival, ate lots of food on Thanksgiving, visited with Santa in Sturbridge, took a train ride to the North Pole, spent quality time with friends, and enjoyed Christmas with all sides of our family. Cancer is not the journey I wanted to start last year, but it was not my only journey. I am proud of myself for not letting it get in the way of everything I could enjoy, and I am grateful that it pushed me to do things I wouldn't have otherwise done.

Even after this first course of treatment is complete, I hope to continue to feel pushed to experience things in the 'now'. No one knows for sure if 'five-years-from-now' will even exist for any of us, so we need to stop putting so many things off for next week, next month, or next year. Do it now. Call your friend you've been meaning to catch up with. Tell your loved ones you love them. Put your phone down and read a story to your child. Take a road trip. Be the person you want to be - today.

Bloom where you are planted.

Om (noun): The whole universe in one single word. The union of mind, body, and spirit.

Deep breath in.

Exhale.

Om.

Repeat.

Life is busy. Even before my diagnosis, life was busy. I currently stay at home with my two children, ages 2 and 3 1/2. For any other mothers (and fathers) out there, you know how draining, and wonderful, and chaotic that can be. One day is set aside for grocery shopping and laundry, another day is preschool and music class, then there's story time and Christmas shopping, errands and doctor's appointments, and the list goes on. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I do. I just have a hard time when all of these things are crammed into one day. The other problem is that when we try to have down time at home, it tends to leave us with hitting, fighting, constant redirection, and headaches. So, most days we try to get out of the house...

Since my diagnosis, I have wondered how much easier it would be to go through chemo treatment without my kids. I wouldn't need to plan for people to come over every day to make sure they are taken care of. I could sleep in as long as I want to. I would have a quiet house all to myself. Then, I recognized that these two lights in my life are exactly what keep me going. They get me out of bed in the morning, they give me energy when I didn't think I had any, and their little voices remind me that life is worth fighting for.

In the hustle and bustle of parenting, though, anyone can tell you that it is important to dedicate some time for yourself. Get out of the house, alone, and do something for yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, pick up a hobby, go to the gym, just go for a drive! It doesn't have to be every day, because it's hard enough to make it happen once a week, but at least try to pencil it in your calendar to do something for you.

For me, this used to be running. It helped when the weather was warmer and I was a bit healthier, but I would get out and run four times a week. It was time by myself. I didn't have a diaper bag with me or a toddler on my hip. I didn't need to pack any goldfish or applesauce pouches. All I needed was my running shoes and a hair-tie. Sometimes, I would keep going simply because I didn't want to go home just yet (Is that bad?). Before my first treatment, I made it to 10 miles. My goal was 5 that day, because I didn't think my body could handle much more after learning about my cancer, but I started, and just kept going. I'm so happy I did it, too, because since then, I've only gone out once. I learned that my heart had a hard time keeping up, and I'm afraid to push it too much. I listened to my body and took a break from my summer passion.

Several weeks have passed since I last exercised, which means several weeks have passed since I last took some healthy time for myself. Sure, I've run an errand here and there without any kids in tow, but I needed more. Last week, I experienced my first, true yoga experience. It was exactly what I needed (and perhaps what you need, too). I was out of the house, yes, but more importantly I was in a relaxing space and able to release any tension I had inside of me - physically and emotionally.

When I decided to try out yoga, I had no idea where to go. So, who do I turn to when I need answers? Google. I came across a place called "Bloom Yoga Fitness Studio". It wasn't too far away, and the prices seemed reasonable, so I took a risk and signed up for a drop-in class. When I got there, I was alone, but I was immediately greeted by the friendly staff and met my instructor. She showed me where to put my things, and what equipment I needed. When I was hanging up my coat, I realized I only had on my warm winter hat. I wasn't about to go through the class with that on, so I rocked the bald look! It's funny, when I'm out in public and I take my hat off, it feels as if I'm stripping down naked. I don't know if it's because it automatically reveals my cancer or because it's a part of my body that no one has seen in 28 years, but either way it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. When I excused my 'bald head' to my instructor, she asked if I was going through chemotherapy, to which I responded 'yes'. She reassured me that I looked beautiful and told me about her friend who was just about to start her own chemo journey. I quickly felt much better about my self-image and walked into the class with 10x more confidence.

The lights were dimmed the slightest bit and there was soothing music playing. Six other women were sitting on their mats and I found my spot in between two other ladies. The instructor came in and lightly greeted everyone with a generic "How is everyone doing?" We all responded "Good" and we began. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat. I was relaxed. For the first time in a long time, I was focusing on myself. I was focusing on the most basic thing I could do with my body - my breathing. My body was moving and I was able to stretch out these muscles that have been resting for too long. It felt amazing. It was the last five minutes and our instructor told us to lay down on our mats to get ready for  Shavasana, or corpse pose. She turned the lights off. The only light in the room was coming through the left door's window, and the song "Be Still" by Sophia came on. All we needed to do was lay there. Lay still with our palms up, completely relax our muscles and breathe. I laid there in the dark while tears streamed down my cheeks. I was breathing. I was alive. I was one with my mind, body, and spirit. My whole self was in that room and I was not worried about anything else. I like to think that they were happy tears, as if it was a complete release of any negativity inside of me. I wiped my eyes dry just as the lights came back on. We sat up on our mats with our legs crossed. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat.

Class was over, and I walked out of there feeling absolutely refreshed. I went back again tonight and plan on making it a weekly routine. Cancer will not prevent me from living my life as normally as possible, but if it weren't for cancer, I don't know if I would have ever taken the risk to practice yoga. This disease continues to test me and I continue to prove how much stronger I am than it is. I am learning more about myself everyday, and for that, I am grateful.

Namaste.

Making Reason

Everything happens for a reason.

There is a reason for everything.

Make reason in everything.

I'm not saying I necessarily believe in fate. I'm not even saying that there's necessarily a puppeteer up above, making all of these things happen around us. Regardless, everything happens...and it is up to us to decide how to reason it.

You don't question the good stuff as often, but when the bad stuff rolls around, you always end up asking yourself, at least once, "why me?" It is up to you to answer that question the right way. This is not a time for you to start pointing fingers or blaming yourself. What did you do wrong? Not a damn thing. But you know what you're about to do right? Instead of finding everything you possibly did wrong in the past, you're going to focus on the good things that are coming in the future.

Every time you do something you wouldn't have otherwise done if it weren't for this 'bad stuff' going on in your life, you're going to be grateful for it. Every time you meet a new person, or reconnect otherwise lost relationships, you're going to be grateful. Even places you've gone before, that you're just able to see in a different light because of this 'bad stuff' that may be going on, be happy that you were lucky enough to experience the 'bad stuff'. Without the 'bad stuff', let's face it, we wouldn't have any 'good stuff' to compare it to.

Life is all about balance. There was a time in college when I wasn't all that balanced. I was focusing on the negative things in my life without being able to find the positivity in much of anything. My close friend had died in an awful car accident, another friend had attempted suicide, and my parents were going through a divorce all within my last year of high school. Let me tell you, I spent plenty of time questioning "why me?" I felt as though I had lost control of everything. My life was spinning around me and I didn't know who was going to be there when it stopped. I wallowed in self-pity. I cried. I bled. I starved. I screamed. Then, I finally started to see the light in all of the darkness.

I met my husband through all of this. Most days, it was him guiding me to see this light, and, now, I am grateful for that 'bad stuff' that happened. Our relationship wouldn't be what it is if it weren't for that 'bad stuff'. We would go for hikes, have secret rendezvous in the library, devour bowls of ice cream...all which seemed like little things, but it's those little things that bring the brightest light. Now, the two littlest in our lives, a girl age 3 and a boy age 2, are the brightest lights of all. And now I am forever grateful.

I would've thought, with my depressive past, I would have been more sad about my diagnosis. I was almost scared that I would fall back into that state of darkness. But, now, I think that it is because of all I experienced that senior year of high school, that I remain to be so positive. When you are forced to confront death at such a young age, you quickly learn how precious life is. Most 17-year-olds think they're invincible. They think they can do anything without consequence (or at least nothing more than being grounded). Just two days after I turned 17, I was told that I was never going to see my friend again. Never again hear her laugh or see her smile. It was in that moment, that I really grew up. I learned that I was not invincible, and neither was anyone else. I also developed a new way of viewing the world around me. Since then, I try not to take much for granted, because I have witnessed how it can all be taken away in just a brief moment. Now, my diagnosis just further etches this view of life I have, but I've been through hardships before and I persevered. I know what I am capable of and I know how strong I am. I know that it is through positivity that I will come out of this alive.

Cancer is what is happening right now in my life and I am finding a reason every damn day. A reason to love deeper and hug a little tighter. A reason to move more on my good days and rest more on my not-so-good ones. A reason to reach out to that friend I haven't talked to in too long. A reason to try yoga because I've always wanted to, but never committed. A reason to enjoy the tacos today because my sense of taste, today, is somewhat normal.  A reason to have a dance party with my kids while I have the energy. A reason to smile, simply because I still can.

Hey, I wouldn't be writing this blog and connecting with you if it weren't for cancer, right?

Me & Andrew, Sleeping Giant (2009)