Flat AF!

Well, I did it! Just about 3 weeks ago I had my bilateral mastectomy and, despite the way I envisioned it, I am alive to tell my story! Before going in, I was terrified about the aftermath. Not so much about how I was going to look (I got over that pretty quickly), but how I was going to feel. I truly thought I was going to be in bed for weeks, not able to move, and in agonizing pain. Much to my amazement, I have been recovering SO much better than I ever thought I would.

This step has been different than the chemo part of treatment. With chemo, I felt like crap for about a week, then I'd feel better for a bit, have infusion again, and continue the roller coaster ride. After surgery, the only direction I was going was up. Each day felt better and better, and I could move more and more. It was frustrating not being able to drive or shower, hold my kids or reach things in the cupboards, but my range of motion improved everyday! I am so very grateful at how quickly I've bounced back!

Now, let me take you back to the morning of surgery...

I had to be at the hospital for 9am Tuesday, March 5th. We dropped the kids off at Grammy's the night before (thanks Mom!) so my husband and I were actually able to have a quiet dinner together and get a decent sleep despite the anticipation of a surgeon slicing me open the next day! Of course, I also had to fast beforehand. It was only from midnight the night before, but whenever anyone tells me that I can't eat, I feel as if I'm lost on a deserted island scrounging for food and all I can find is fucking tree bark. I may be exaggerating, but the fasting might have seriously been the hardest part.

So my husband brought me in for 9am. We checked in with the nurse, the hubby made sure he knew where the cafeteria was 😜, and we waited for them to call my name. When they brought us in, they gave me my oh-so flattering one-size-fits-all gown to wear with matching gripper socks. I was ready to rock and roll! Just kidding, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half, stomach growling while meeting different nurses, residents, my surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and signed a bunch of papers. Before they could wheel me into the OR, I had to go upstairs for the first part of my sentinel node biopsy. A radiologist injected a special blue dye into my breast that spread to my sentinel nodes, staining them bright blue so the surgeon knew where they were once I was opened up. Once she was in there, she would be able to remove them one by one and pass them on to the pathologist who was in the OR with us. Based on the pathology of each node, they could determine how far out they needed to go. This initial biopsy was a quick, painless procedure, and before I knew it I was on my way back downstairs. Shortly after my little field trip, they gave me a happy drug that felt like a couple glasses of wine. After this, it gets a little blurry (maybe it was more than a couple glasses??). I remember being in the OR with a ton of people around and they injected a nerve block into my arm that was actually quite painful! It only lasted a couple seconds, then before I knew it I was awake and in the recovery room being told that everything went well while i stuffed my face with chicken fingers and fries! Yum!

I'm not speaking for my husband when I say this, but I actually ended up sleeping pretty well that first night, all things considered. I mean, I probably would've slept better if they didn't keep checking my vitals and if they didn't give me a good wake up call at 6am with a team of about 10 doctors all staring at my unwashed face, but it's all good. Even soon after waking up from surgery, though, I was moving my arms more than I thought that I would be and I felt well enough to get up to use the bathroom - which BY THE WAY remember that blue dye they injected into me?? Yeah, my pee was bright blue for at least 24 hours! Crazy! Anyways, that next day, my surgeon came to visit me and we discussed the pathology of the lymph nodes and breast tissue. She told me that she removed a total of four nodes. The first two had micro-metastases so she removed a third one that came back clear! Just to be safe, she took out one more which was also clear so she was comfortable enough to stop there, YAY! As for the breast tissue, she said that there were some scattered, non-invasive cells but this was MUCH better than my initial diagnosis of 12cm of invasive cancer cells!! The cells that were remaining were not of too much concern, especially because she did everything she could to remove it all anyways. Not only did this report show some good news, but I was feeling just as good! This next day, I was slowly, but surely walking around that hospital floor struttin' my stuff. I had on this fancy, pink, floral, stretchy tube top along with some sweatpants, a hospital gown, and some new accessories hanging out of my sides - the infamous drains!

At home with my new "accessories"

I guess fasting wasn't so awful after all...those 'pain-drains' were definitely worse. I had one on either side of me. Picture a thin tube sticking out of my ribs with a little bulb at the ends collecting excess fluid my body was producing after surgery. Blech! Just thinking about them makes me quiver! They weren't so much painful as they were annoying and in the way. I didn't want to move too quickly in fear that they would get snagged on something and pull out. Showering was not going to happen because I get light-headed with things like that, but even taking a sponge bath was miserable! I couldn't even wear more than a couple different shirts, because the bulbs wouldn't fit... For over a week I was a hot, stinky mess! There are several companies that make accommodating shirts, though, that have pockets for the drains and button up nicely to make it easier to slip on and off. Lanyards and drain belts are also easy enough to find to get you through the couple weeks with drains (check out the Products I Love section above⬆). As with everything else I've been going through, I kept reminding myself that this was all temporary and they would be removed soon. Oh my, but once they were gone, I felt like a new woman! I had no idea that the majority of my discomfort was from those damn drains! Thank goodness I only had them in for 8 days. They were the longest 8 days of my life, but some people have them in for 2 or 3 weeks! No fun.

Drains are gone 8 days post-op!

I ended up staying in the hospital for 2 nights. As much as I missed being home with my children, I knew that once I was discharged, I would feel like I needed to do more than I should, and I was worried about the kids jumping on me. We made it home Thursday, and I was pleased to find that I was able to get into bed comfortably! Some people need to sleep in a recliner for a month before being comfortable enough to get in their beds, but with my pillows positioned just right (including my wonderful u-shaped pillow I mentioned in my last post!!) and scooting myself around like a dog, circling the perfect spot to lay down in, it was perfect. After coming home, a visiting nurse came to check on me once a week. She checked my vitals, monitored how my incisions were healing and what my drains were producing. At first I didn't think I would need a visiting nurse, but for a quick visit, it's reassuring to have a professional look me over and be there to answer any questions that came up before I followed up with my doctor.

Now, I am happy to say that my pillows are back to normal, I can wear pretty much my entire wardrobe, and I am feeling human again! I usually sleep on my back anyways, which was convenient, but every once in a while now, when I want to lay on my side, I can! At 3 weeks, with the help of lots of stretching and some yoga, I can reach my arms above my head and get things out of the cupboard on my own again! Even at the 2 week mark, I felt comfortable enough to be at home by myself with the kids, drive, and even run! I ran 3 miles two days in a row, which is back to what I ran just before surgery! It feels so good to get my body back and exercise simply because I CAN! Looking at my life right now, I don't think I will ever take advantage of this body that I have. We have one body to live in for the rest of our lives, it is up to us how we decide to use it.

For anyone reading this who has a mastectomy in their future, just know that there is a light and each of these steps is temporary. You will get better and you will get your life back! However, some people do not bounce back so quickly. I am young and I like to think of myself as a pretty active person. These things definitely help with recovering from anything, but I also opted for a less extensive surgery. If I had chosen to do reconstruction right away, my story would be completely different. I think that getting my butt back to the gym between chemo and surgery was the BEST thing I could have done. I built up my strength and got into a rhythm that I knew I wanted to get back to. My Livestrong program at the YMCA was my incentive to get moving again after surgery, even if it was just to walk on the treadmill. It got me out of the house and allowed me to pencil something into the calendar for myself that wasn't a doctors appointment! I am so relieved I only had to take one week off from the program. My team helped me out with the transportation for a bit, but it felt so good to be back. Sadly, I am almost at the end of my 12-week mark with Livestrong, but that will be a post for a different day...

The Beginning of a New (Year's) Day

Today is January 1, 2019. It is New Year's Day...a day where many people begin new goals, make resolutions, absolve themselves of any negativity and bad habits in their lives. For some reason, people feel they need the start of a new year to have a 'clean slate' and to 'start fresh'. I suppose it makes sense...but I've never been one to make a solid 'New Year's resolution'. Sure, I've told myself that it's time to get in shape, eat healthy, and move more, but I think the timing just always lined up after stuffing my face with food for a month and receiving several discounted gym membership offers in the mail....

Lately, though, I've been taking things a bit slower, living one day at a time. For me, I don't know what each day is going to look or feel like. Instead, I've been creating a 'clean slate' and a 'fresh start' each and every day. If I'm having a bad day one day, whether it's pain or discomfort physically, or feeling sad or worried about my future, I have to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is always a new chance to wake up with a better mindset and to feel more refreshed. I feel grateful for my tomorrows. You really never know what tomorrow may bring you or who you may meet. Why wait for the new year to be more generous or to exercise? Why wait to slow down or practice saying 'no' every once in a while? If you really want to be this type of person that you envision for the new year, then just start it when the opportunity comes up! Don't wait. You never know what might get in the way of these goals down the road. Sometimes there may be speed bumps or detours, and sometimes you may never get there...

I have to say, I had a pretty eventful 2018. I closed up my home daycare and pursued a new endeavor in real estate, including coursework over the summer and passing my exam in October. I enjoyed many adventures with my little family of four including hikes, museums, the Ben & Jerry's factory, a flight down to Atlanta, a week on the Jersey shore, and lots of ice cream of course! I FINALLY got to see my childhood idol, Shania Twain, in concert in July (HUGE highlight in my life)!!! I also worked on my health by eating right and running more than I have ever run in my entire life! The year started off pretty great, and most of it was actually really fun! Sadly, it had a tough ending. I know I've said in previous posts that I am remaining positive through all of this, but reality is reality! Getting diagnosed with cancer sucks. It is not how I envisioned my year to end. Yes, I am happy that I was able to experience everything that I did earlier in the year, but no one will ever tell you that they are happy to throw cancer in the mix of everything else in their lives.

I wasn't planning on ending my real estate path after the exam...I had plans to work and start an actual career for myself. Now, that's all on the back burner until I get my health under control. I also wasn't planning to stop running...I had plans to finish my first half marathon. Now, I have to start training from the beginning again, whenever my heart can handle it after chemo is complete, I'm healed from my surgery, and radiation is done. There are things that I've missed out on, things that I wish I could say that I have done in 2018, that just never happened. Sure, there's always this year, and I hope that I can accomplish what I want in 2019, but that is simply not guaranteed. It's not guaranteed for anyone, because no one knows what tomorrow may bring.

In the big scheme of things, 2018 did not end as I wanted it to, and 2019 did not start like I wanted it to, but I have to say, today I am well, and I have high hopes for my tomorrow. Next week, I won't be feeling so great after Monday's infusion, but I need to take it one day at a time. I need to embrace the energy and appetite I have today. I need to take advantage of the quality time I have with my kids while I am able to get up off the couch to do a puzzle with them or take them to the library. I can't worry about next week, I need to appreciate today.

I made my 'resolution' to slow down back in October. I couldn't wait for the new year to be the person I wanted to be. I have always been the type to plan out my life years in advance and to rush through the small steps it takes to get to where I want to be. Now, I am working on living in the present. I am creating memories with my children now instead of worrying about where we are or what we will be doing years from now. Since my diagnosis, I've pushed myself to continue experiencing things outside of the hospital. We had a fantastic Wizard of Oz themed Halloween, went to the Blaze pumpkin festival, ate lots of food on Thanksgiving, visited with Santa in Sturbridge, took a train ride to the North Pole, spent quality time with friends, and enjoyed Christmas with all sides of our family. Cancer is not the journey I wanted to start last year, but it was not my only journey. I am proud of myself for not letting it get in the way of everything I could enjoy, and I am grateful that it pushed me to do things I wouldn't have otherwise done.

Even after this first course of treatment is complete, I hope to continue to feel pushed to experience things in the 'now'. No one knows for sure if 'five-years-from-now' will even exist for any of us, so we need to stop putting so many things off for next week, next month, or next year. Do it now. Call your friend you've been meaning to catch up with. Tell your loved ones you love them. Put your phone down and read a story to your child. Take a road trip. Be the person you want to be - today.

Bloom where you are planted.

Om (noun): The whole universe in one single word. The union of mind, body, and spirit.

Deep breath in.

Exhale.

Om.

Repeat.

Life is busy. Even before my diagnosis, life was busy. I currently stay at home with my two children, ages 2 and 3 1/2. For any other mothers (and fathers) out there, you know how draining, and wonderful, and chaotic that can be. One day is set aside for grocery shopping and laundry, another day is preschool and music class, then there's story time and Christmas shopping, errands and doctor's appointments, and the list goes on. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I do. I just have a hard time when all of these things are crammed into one day. The other problem is that when we try to have down time at home, it tends to leave us with hitting, fighting, constant redirection, and headaches. So, most days we try to get out of the house...

Since my diagnosis, I have wondered how much easier it would be to go through chemo treatment without my kids. I wouldn't need to plan for people to come over every day to make sure they are taken care of. I could sleep in as long as I want to. I would have a quiet house all to myself. Then, I recognized that these two lights in my life are exactly what keep me going. They get me out of bed in the morning, they give me energy when I didn't think I had any, and their little voices remind me that life is worth fighting for.

In the hustle and bustle of parenting, though, anyone can tell you that it is important to dedicate some time for yourself. Get out of the house, alone, and do something for yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, pick up a hobby, go to the gym, just go for a drive! It doesn't have to be every day, because it's hard enough to make it happen once a week, but at least try to pencil it in your calendar to do something for you.

For me, this used to be running. It helped when the weather was warmer and I was a bit healthier, but I would get out and run four times a week. It was time by myself. I didn't have a diaper bag with me or a toddler on my hip. I didn't need to pack any goldfish or applesauce pouches. All I needed was my running shoes and a hair-tie. Sometimes, I would keep going simply because I didn't want to go home just yet (Is that bad?). Before my first treatment, I made it to 10 miles. My goal was 5 that day, because I didn't think my body could handle much more after learning about my cancer, but I started, and just kept going. I'm so happy I did it, too, because since then, I've only gone out once. I learned that my heart had a hard time keeping up, and I'm afraid to push it too much. I listened to my body and took a break from my summer passion.

Several weeks have passed since I last exercised, which means several weeks have passed since I last took some healthy time for myself. Sure, I've run an errand here and there without any kids in tow, but I needed more. Last week, I experienced my first, true yoga experience. It was exactly what I needed (and perhaps what you need, too). I was out of the house, yes, but more importantly I was in a relaxing space and able to release any tension I had inside of me - physically and emotionally.

When I decided to try out yoga, I had no idea where to go. So, who do I turn to when I need answers? Google. I came across a place called "Bloom Yoga Fitness Studio". It wasn't too far away, and the prices seemed reasonable, so I took a risk and signed up for a drop-in class. When I got there, I was alone, but I was immediately greeted by the friendly staff and met my instructor. She showed me where to put my things, and what equipment I needed. When I was hanging up my coat, I realized I only had on my warm winter hat. I wasn't about to go through the class with that on, so I rocked the bald look! It's funny, when I'm out in public and I take my hat off, it feels as if I'm stripping down naked. I don't know if it's because it automatically reveals my cancer or because it's a part of my body that no one has seen in 28 years, but either way it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. When I excused my 'bald head' to my instructor, she asked if I was going through chemotherapy, to which I responded 'yes'. She reassured me that I looked beautiful and told me about her friend who was just about to start her own chemo journey. I quickly felt much better about my self-image and walked into the class with 10x more confidence.

The lights were dimmed the slightest bit and there was soothing music playing. Six other women were sitting on their mats and I found my spot in between two other ladies. The instructor came in and lightly greeted everyone with a generic "How is everyone doing?" We all responded "Good" and we began. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat. I was relaxed. For the first time in a long time, I was focusing on myself. I was focusing on the most basic thing I could do with my body - my breathing. My body was moving and I was able to stretch out these muscles that have been resting for too long. It felt amazing. It was the last five minutes and our instructor told us to lay down on our mats to get ready for  Shavasana, or corpse pose. She turned the lights off. The only light in the room was coming through the left door's window, and the song "Be Still" by Sophia came on. All we needed to do was lay there. Lay still with our palms up, completely relax our muscles and breathe. I laid there in the dark while tears streamed down my cheeks. I was breathing. I was alive. I was one with my mind, body, and spirit. My whole self was in that room and I was not worried about anything else. I like to think that they were happy tears, as if it was a complete release of any negativity inside of me. I wiped my eyes dry just as the lights came back on. We sat up on our mats with our legs crossed. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat.

Class was over, and I walked out of there feeling absolutely refreshed. I went back again tonight and plan on making it a weekly routine. Cancer will not prevent me from living my life as normally as possible, but if it weren't for cancer, I don't know if I would have ever taken the risk to practice yoga. This disease continues to test me and I continue to prove how much stronger I am than it is. I am learning more about myself everyday, and for that, I am grateful.

Namaste.