Flat AF!

Well, I did it! Just about 3 weeks ago I had my bilateral mastectomy and, despite the way I envisioned it, I am alive to tell my story! Before going in, I was terrified about the aftermath. Not so much about how I was going to look (I got over that pretty quickly), but how I was going to feel. I truly thought I was going to be in bed for weeks, not able to move, and in agonizing pain. Much to my amazement, I have been recovering SO much better than I ever thought I would.

This step has been different than the chemo part of treatment. With chemo, I felt like crap for about a week, then I'd feel better for a bit, have infusion again, and continue the roller coaster ride. After surgery, the only direction I was going was up. Each day felt better and better, and I could move more and more. It was frustrating not being able to drive or shower, hold my kids or reach things in the cupboards, but my range of motion improved everyday! I am so very grateful at how quickly I've bounced back!

Now, let me take you back to the morning of surgery...

I had to be at the hospital for 9am Tuesday, March 5th. We dropped the kids off at Grammy's the night before (thanks Mom!) so my husband and I were actually able to have a quiet dinner together and get a decent sleep despite the anticipation of a surgeon slicing me open the next day! Of course, I also had to fast beforehand. It was only from midnight the night before, but whenever anyone tells me that I can't eat, I feel as if I'm lost on a deserted island scrounging for food and all I can find is fucking tree bark. I may be exaggerating, but the fasting might have seriously been the hardest part.

So my husband brought me in for 9am. We checked in with the nurse, the hubby made sure he knew where the cafeteria was 😜, and we waited for them to call my name. When they brought us in, they gave me my oh-so flattering one-size-fits-all gown to wear with matching gripper socks. I was ready to rock and roll! Just kidding, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half, stomach growling while meeting different nurses, residents, my surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and signed a bunch of papers. Before they could wheel me into the OR, I had to go upstairs for the first part of my sentinel node biopsy. A radiologist injected a special blue dye into my breast that spread to my sentinel nodes, staining them bright blue so the surgeon knew where they were once I was opened up. Once she was in there, she would be able to remove them one by one and pass them on to the pathologist who was in the OR with us. Based on the pathology of each node, they could determine how far out they needed to go. This initial biopsy was a quick, painless procedure, and before I knew it I was on my way back downstairs. Shortly after my little field trip, they gave me a happy drug that felt like a couple glasses of wine. After this, it gets a little blurry (maybe it was more than a couple glasses??). I remember being in the OR with a ton of people around and they injected a nerve block into my arm that was actually quite painful! It only lasted a couple seconds, then before I knew it I was awake and in the recovery room being told that everything went well while i stuffed my face with chicken fingers and fries! Yum!

I'm not speaking for my husband when I say this, but I actually ended up sleeping pretty well that first night, all things considered. I mean, I probably would've slept better if they didn't keep checking my vitals and if they didn't give me a good wake up call at 6am with a team of about 10 doctors all staring at my unwashed face, but it's all good. Even soon after waking up from surgery, though, I was moving my arms more than I thought that I would be and I felt well enough to get up to use the bathroom - which BY THE WAY remember that blue dye they injected into me?? Yeah, my pee was bright blue for at least 24 hours! Crazy! Anyways, that next day, my surgeon came to visit me and we discussed the pathology of the lymph nodes and breast tissue. She told me that she removed a total of four nodes. The first two had micro-metastases so she removed a third one that came back clear! Just to be safe, she took out one more which was also clear so she was comfortable enough to stop there, YAY! As for the breast tissue, she said that there were some scattered, non-invasive cells but this was MUCH better than my initial diagnosis of 12cm of invasive cancer cells!! The cells that were remaining were not of too much concern, especially because she did everything she could to remove it all anyways. Not only did this report show some good news, but I was feeling just as good! This next day, I was slowly, but surely walking around that hospital floor struttin' my stuff. I had on this fancy, pink, floral, stretchy tube top along with some sweatpants, a hospital gown, and some new accessories hanging out of my sides - the infamous drains!

At home with my new "accessories"

I guess fasting wasn't so awful after all...those 'pain-drains' were definitely worse. I had one on either side of me. Picture a thin tube sticking out of my ribs with a little bulb at the ends collecting excess fluid my body was producing after surgery. Blech! Just thinking about them makes me quiver! They weren't so much painful as they were annoying and in the way. I didn't want to move too quickly in fear that they would get snagged on something and pull out. Showering was not going to happen because I get light-headed with things like that, but even taking a sponge bath was miserable! I couldn't even wear more than a couple different shirts, because the bulbs wouldn't fit... For over a week I was a hot, stinky mess! There are several companies that make accommodating shirts, though, that have pockets for the drains and button up nicely to make it easier to slip on and off. Lanyards and drain belts are also easy enough to find to get you through the couple weeks with drains (check out the Products I Love section above⬆). As with everything else I've been going through, I kept reminding myself that this was all temporary and they would be removed soon. Oh my, but once they were gone, I felt like a new woman! I had no idea that the majority of my discomfort was from those damn drains! Thank goodness I only had them in for 8 days. They were the longest 8 days of my life, but some people have them in for 2 or 3 weeks! No fun.

Drains are gone 8 days post-op!

I ended up staying in the hospital for 2 nights. As much as I missed being home with my children, I knew that once I was discharged, I would feel like I needed to do more than I should, and I was worried about the kids jumping on me. We made it home Thursday, and I was pleased to find that I was able to get into bed comfortably! Some people need to sleep in a recliner for a month before being comfortable enough to get in their beds, but with my pillows positioned just right (including my wonderful u-shaped pillow I mentioned in my last post!!) and scooting myself around like a dog, circling the perfect spot to lay down in, it was perfect. After coming home, a visiting nurse came to check on me once a week. She checked my vitals, monitored how my incisions were healing and what my drains were producing. At first I didn't think I would need a visiting nurse, but for a quick visit, it's reassuring to have a professional look me over and be there to answer any questions that came up before I followed up with my doctor.

Now, I am happy to say that my pillows are back to normal, I can wear pretty much my entire wardrobe, and I am feeling human again! I usually sleep on my back anyways, which was convenient, but every once in a while now, when I want to lay on my side, I can! At 3 weeks, with the help of lots of stretching and some yoga, I can reach my arms above my head and get things out of the cupboard on my own again! Even at the 2 week mark, I felt comfortable enough to be at home by myself with the kids, drive, and even run! I ran 3 miles two days in a row, which is back to what I ran just before surgery! It feels so good to get my body back and exercise simply because I CAN! Looking at my life right now, I don't think I will ever take advantage of this body that I have. We have one body to live in for the rest of our lives, it is up to us how we decide to use it.

For anyone reading this who has a mastectomy in their future, just know that there is a light and each of these steps is temporary. You will get better and you will get your life back! However, some people do not bounce back so quickly. I am young and I like to think of myself as a pretty active person. These things definitely help with recovering from anything, but I also opted for a less extensive surgery. If I had chosen to do reconstruction right away, my story would be completely different. I think that getting my butt back to the gym between chemo and surgery was the BEST thing I could have done. I built up my strength and got into a rhythm that I knew I wanted to get back to. My Livestrong program at the YMCA was my incentive to get moving again after surgery, even if it was just to walk on the treadmill. It got me out of the house and allowed me to pencil something into the calendar for myself that wasn't a doctors appointment! I am so relieved I only had to take one week off from the program. My team helped me out with the transportation for a bit, but it felt so good to be back. Sadly, I am almost at the end of my 12-week mark with Livestrong, but that will be a post for a different day...

Cancer - Check!

Just a couple months ago, I thought I had a mediocre life. I was getting bored. I wanted everyday to be an adventure. I was sick of the day-in and day-out of wiping noses, ABC's, grocery shopping, and eating the same damn things for dinner. What I really wanted was a change in scenery. Maybe moving to a different state would solve all of these problems? Nah, I doubt it.

I guess you could say I get bored easily. My life wasn't really that uneventful, I'm just that oddball who actually likes change. I like the excitement of doing new things and creating new experiences with people! For several years, my life naturally brought new things to be excited about. I married my husband in 2013, just a year after graduating college. It was a beautiful, outdoor ceremony in July with all of our friends and family surrounding us under tall pine trees. Just a day after our honeymoon, we bought a little ranch-style house in a quiet neighborhood just next door to the town where I grew up. That year, we also adopted Cooper, our loud, always hungry, licking and sniffing Beagle! About a year after that, we found out we were having our first baby. I know every woman has her own thing to say about pregnancy, but I absolutely loved it! Those 9 months were so magical for me, and in 2015, our little girl was born (talk about life-changer!) Just before L's first birthday, we found out I was pregnant yet again! This time, it was a baby boy, and in 2016, T joined our family to add even more excitement!

Since then, it's been doing all we can to pay our bills, get rid of debt, and maintain our house, while creating the best possible childhoods for our kids. My husband and I have had quite the adventure so far, and rattling off these HUGE life events right now makes my life sound more exciting than I ever even realized! All I ever paid attention to was the lack of huge life events for the past 2 years...(wow, Sarah...calm down). I mean, how many life changing events does a single person even need to have in their lifetime? We were hoping to add a third child to our list, but I guess cancer is another life-changer!

I'm really not trying to be depressing when I say that, either... I am literally laughing as I am typing this right now. I wanted an exciting life thats ever-changing, and I am getting it that's for sure! Anyone want to direct my real-life movie?? Can Julia Roberts please play my character? I love her.

You're right, that's a whole other topic for a separate blog...

I guess what I am saying is 'be careful what you wish for'. We scroll through social media everyday seeing everyone's best life. Then, when other people share that their life is in shambles, we roll our eyes that they're complaining. We see these perfect snapshots of single moments in people's lives, but this is not their life all the time! No one wants to see a picture of you at work...(unless you're Mike Rowe or Ellen or something)...and no one wants a snapchat video of them nuking chicken nuggets for the third night in a row...(actually, I'm pretty sure someone's probably done that before, but that's besides the point!)We see the best sides of people's lives on social media because that's what we want to see! Yet, if all we do is compare our own lives to these unrealistic glimpses into other lives, sure we're going to be left wanting more for ourselves. In reality, though, the grass is not always greener.

I used to want an exciting life, something worth writing a blog about, and I sure as hell got it, but it comes with a price. Lately, I've been missing my boring life with nothing written on my calendar. Now, my days are filled with doctor's appointments and everything else is tentative depending on whether or not I can get up off the couch. Now, I wish I could go back to eating the same damn things for dinner instead of everything tasting weird or hurting my mouth when I chew. Luckily, I have been able to manage a pretty normal life for the second 10 days after treatment. It's on these days that I can go out with the kids on my own, run errands, take L to school, and save the relaxing until their nap-time. After each chemo, I countdown the days until I can do these things. I am actually looking forward to grocery shop! Sometimes, I'll even park further away so I can walk more, simply because I have the energy to!

Life before my diagnosis was almost like a checklist. I experienced all of these amazing things, but always rushed through them, eager to check off the next life event. Cancer has been my one life-altering event that you would think would be the one I'd want to rush through to get it over with, but instead it's convinced me to slow down. I can't look too far ahead or else I end up just scaring myself. Instead, I've learned to take everything one day at a time and truly embrace those boring days when I feel like myself again. It's days like these that keep me grounded and remind me of the life I used to live. They encourage me that I will once again have my life back and under control after all is said and done. This is a long process I am going through, but it is all temporary. In the meantime, I will keep living each day as it comes, just hoping for a day to simply run errands.

Bloom where you are planted.

Om (noun): The whole universe in one single word. The union of mind, body, and spirit.

Deep breath in.

Exhale.

Om.

Repeat.

Life is busy. Even before my diagnosis, life was busy. I currently stay at home with my two children, ages 2 and 3 1/2. For any other mothers (and fathers) out there, you know how draining, and wonderful, and chaotic that can be. One day is set aside for grocery shopping and laundry, another day is preschool and music class, then there's story time and Christmas shopping, errands and doctor's appointments, and the list goes on. I enjoy spending time with my kids, I do. I just have a hard time when all of these things are crammed into one day. The other problem is that when we try to have down time at home, it tends to leave us with hitting, fighting, constant redirection, and headaches. So, most days we try to get out of the house...

Since my diagnosis, I have wondered how much easier it would be to go through chemo treatment without my kids. I wouldn't need to plan for people to come over every day to make sure they are taken care of. I could sleep in as long as I want to. I would have a quiet house all to myself. Then, I recognized that these two lights in my life are exactly what keep me going. They get me out of bed in the morning, they give me energy when I didn't think I had any, and their little voices remind me that life is worth fighting for.

In the hustle and bustle of parenting, though, anyone can tell you that it is important to dedicate some time for yourself. Get out of the house, alone, and do something for yourself. Get your nails done, get a massage, pick up a hobby, go to the gym, just go for a drive! It doesn't have to be every day, because it's hard enough to make it happen once a week, but at least try to pencil it in your calendar to do something for you.

For me, this used to be running. It helped when the weather was warmer and I was a bit healthier, but I would get out and run four times a week. It was time by myself. I didn't have a diaper bag with me or a toddler on my hip. I didn't need to pack any goldfish or applesauce pouches. All I needed was my running shoes and a hair-tie. Sometimes, I would keep going simply because I didn't want to go home just yet (Is that bad?). Before my first treatment, I made it to 10 miles. My goal was 5 that day, because I didn't think my body could handle much more after learning about my cancer, but I started, and just kept going. I'm so happy I did it, too, because since then, I've only gone out once. I learned that my heart had a hard time keeping up, and I'm afraid to push it too much. I listened to my body and took a break from my summer passion.

Several weeks have passed since I last exercised, which means several weeks have passed since I last took some healthy time for myself. Sure, I've run an errand here and there without any kids in tow, but I needed more. Last week, I experienced my first, true yoga experience. It was exactly what I needed (and perhaps what you need, too). I was out of the house, yes, but more importantly I was in a relaxing space and able to release any tension I had inside of me - physically and emotionally.

When I decided to try out yoga, I had no idea where to go. So, who do I turn to when I need answers? Google. I came across a place called "Bloom Yoga Fitness Studio". It wasn't too far away, and the prices seemed reasonable, so I took a risk and signed up for a drop-in class. When I got there, I was alone, but I was immediately greeted by the friendly staff and met my instructor. She showed me where to put my things, and what equipment I needed. When I was hanging up my coat, I realized I only had on my warm winter hat. I wasn't about to go through the class with that on, so I rocked the bald look! It's funny, when I'm out in public and I take my hat off, it feels as if I'm stripping down naked. I don't know if it's because it automatically reveals my cancer or because it's a part of my body that no one has seen in 28 years, but either way it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. When I excused my 'bald head' to my instructor, she asked if I was going through chemotherapy, to which I responded 'yes'. She reassured me that I looked beautiful and told me about her friend who was just about to start her own chemo journey. I quickly felt much better about my self-image and walked into the class with 10x more confidence.

The lights were dimmed the slightest bit and there was soothing music playing. Six other women were sitting on their mats and I found my spot in between two other ladies. The instructor came in and lightly greeted everyone with a generic "How is everyone doing?" We all responded "Good" and we began. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat. I was relaxed. For the first time in a long time, I was focusing on myself. I was focusing on the most basic thing I could do with my body - my breathing. My body was moving and I was able to stretch out these muscles that have been resting for too long. It felt amazing. It was the last five minutes and our instructor told us to lay down on our mats to get ready for  Shavasana, or corpse pose. She turned the lights off. The only light in the room was coming through the left door's window, and the song "Be Still" by Sophia came on. All we needed to do was lay there. Lay still with our palms up, completely relax our muscles and breathe. I laid there in the dark while tears streamed down my cheeks. I was breathing. I was alive. I was one with my mind, body, and spirit. My whole self was in that room and I was not worried about anything else. I like to think that they were happy tears, as if it was a complete release of any negativity inside of me. I wiped my eyes dry just as the lights came back on. We sat up on our mats with our legs crossed. Deep breath in. Exhale. Om. Repeat.

Class was over, and I walked out of there feeling absolutely refreshed. I went back again tonight and plan on making it a weekly routine. Cancer will not prevent me from living my life as normally as possible, but if it weren't for cancer, I don't know if I would have ever taken the risk to practice yoga. This disease continues to test me and I continue to prove how much stronger I am than it is. I am learning more about myself everyday, and for that, I am grateful.

Namaste.

Making Reason

Everything happens for a reason.

There is a reason for everything.

Make reason in everything.

I'm not saying I necessarily believe in fate. I'm not even saying that there's necessarily a puppeteer up above, making all of these things happen around us. Regardless, everything happens...and it is up to us to decide how to reason it.

You don't question the good stuff as often, but when the bad stuff rolls around, you always end up asking yourself, at least once, "why me?" It is up to you to answer that question the right way. This is not a time for you to start pointing fingers or blaming yourself. What did you do wrong? Not a damn thing. But you know what you're about to do right? Instead of finding everything you possibly did wrong in the past, you're going to focus on the good things that are coming in the future.

Every time you do something you wouldn't have otherwise done if it weren't for this 'bad stuff' going on in your life, you're going to be grateful for it. Every time you meet a new person, or reconnect otherwise lost relationships, you're going to be grateful. Even places you've gone before, that you're just able to see in a different light because of this 'bad stuff' that may be going on, be happy that you were lucky enough to experience the 'bad stuff'. Without the 'bad stuff', let's face it, we wouldn't have any 'good stuff' to compare it to.

Life is all about balance. There was a time in college when I wasn't all that balanced. I was focusing on the negative things in my life without being able to find the positivity in much of anything. My close friend had died in an awful car accident, another friend had attempted suicide, and my parents were going through a divorce all within my last year of high school. Let me tell you, I spent plenty of time questioning "why me?" I felt as though I had lost control of everything. My life was spinning around me and I didn't know who was going to be there when it stopped. I wallowed in self-pity. I cried. I bled. I starved. I screamed. Then, I finally started to see the light in all of the darkness.

I met my husband through all of this. Most days, it was him guiding me to see this light, and, now, I am grateful for that 'bad stuff' that happened. Our relationship wouldn't be what it is if it weren't for that 'bad stuff'. We would go for hikes, have secret rendezvous in the library, devour bowls of ice cream...all which seemed like little things, but it's those little things that bring the brightest light. Now, the two littlest in our lives, a girl age 3 and a boy age 2, are the brightest lights of all. And now I am forever grateful.

I would've thought, with my depressive past, I would have been more sad about my diagnosis. I was almost scared that I would fall back into that state of darkness. But, now, I think that it is because of all I experienced that senior year of high school, that I remain to be so positive. When you are forced to confront death at such a young age, you quickly learn how precious life is. Most 17-year-olds think they're invincible. They think they can do anything without consequence (or at least nothing more than being grounded). Just two days after I turned 17, I was told that I was never going to see my friend again. Never again hear her laugh or see her smile. It was in that moment, that I really grew up. I learned that I was not invincible, and neither was anyone else. I also developed a new way of viewing the world around me. Since then, I try not to take much for granted, because I have witnessed how it can all be taken away in just a brief moment. Now, my diagnosis just further etches this view of life I have, but I've been through hardships before and I persevered. I know what I am capable of and I know how strong I am. I know that it is through positivity that I will come out of this alive.

Cancer is what is happening right now in my life and I am finding a reason every damn day. A reason to love deeper and hug a little tighter. A reason to move more on my good days and rest more on my not-so-good ones. A reason to reach out to that friend I haven't talked to in too long. A reason to try yoga because I've always wanted to, but never committed. A reason to enjoy the tacos today because my sense of taste, today, is somewhat normal.  A reason to have a dance party with my kids while I have the energy. A reason to smile, simply because I still can.

Hey, I wouldn't be writing this blog and connecting with you if it weren't for cancer, right?

Me & Andrew, Sleeping Giant (2009)

Still Sarah.

I am not really sure what to do on here or where to begin. Whether it is to help me, or maybe help someone else, though, it's worth a try. Regardless, I think it is time for me to share my journey, so here it goes...

On October 2, 2018, I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Breast Cancer. I was 28 years young, I was training for my first half marathon, eating healthy (most of the time), and studying for my Real Estate Licensing Exam. As far as knew, I was doing everything right, but sometimes that just doesn't matter.

Not to belittle anyone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, or any type of cancer for that matter, but I was so quick to think to myself that it was all going to be okay. Maybe it was to make myself feel better, but I knew plenty of people who had been diagnosed with cancer and they're doing just fine. I knew I was going to be fine, too.

Then, that certainty quickly shifted when I was told that it had spread to my vertebrae, automatically making it Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.

"Wait. What?"

To be honest, I didnt even know what the word 'metastatic' meant until that meeting. The doctor just seemed so calm when she said it, as if I shouldn't be concerned. Then I heard the words 'Stage IV' and 'incurable' tossed around and saw my husband shaking his head in his hands. My face turned to stone. I could feel my mouth open the slightest bit and just stay there. My eyes were dry without one urge to blink. It was as if, in that moment, my spirit escaped my body. I was watching everyone around me respond to this devastating news, without even being able to react myself.

I'm not sure my spirit ever returned, and if it did, it's definitely not the same. It is through this journey, though, that I will find out who I am and who I am meant to be. Rest assured, I am still Sarah.