Trust Your Intuition

Well, that's a wrap! My sixth and final chemo treatment has come and gone! One part of me is relieved AF, the other part of me isn't even phased. You see, I'm done with the "chemo" part - the dreadful uneasiness in my stomach, the extreme fatigue, the poor taste in my mouth, and hopefully the uncomfortable GI issues (💩)...but in another three weeks, I'll be back in the same chair, with the same nurse (who I LOVE), hooked up to the same IV. I may not be getting the complete 4-serving cocktail, but I will still be back in the hospital every three weeks, indefinitely.

My cancer spread to my bone before I found it. Everyone always says 'Early detection saves lives!' and 'Good thing you caught it early!' but the truth of the matter is, I didn't. Yes, I could've caught it even later. Yes, it could have spread even more than it did. But reality is reality, and my reality is that my cancer metastasized before we even started treating it...and I can't help but feeling somewhat guilty for that. Now, I'm left driving to Uconn every third Monday while putting Lidocaine on my chest, hoping to numb the pain of the needle poking my skin, and crossing my fingers that the nurse gets a blood return on the first try. I'm left in auto-pilot taking the elevator to the fourth floor, checking in with my name and date of birth, and telling the receptionist that, no, I have not been out of the country in the last 30 days, but damn I WISH!

I may not be going out of the country anytime soon, but I am going to seriously take advantage of this short month we call February! I am planning on seeing as many people and doing as many things as I possibly can, because as soon as March rolls around, it's surgery time. I don't know about you, but just the thought of surgery and slicing my skin open makes my stomach turn! The recovery might be less time than the duration of my chemo, but I hate thinking about the pain I will be in and the way my children will react when I can't hug them or hold them in my arms. I have been trying to plan ahead and reorganize our life to make it as easy as possible to deal with my limited mobility and strength. Right now, my kids are getting to be at a good age where I don't need to worry about carrying them as much. They are 2 and almost 4, so they are definitely getting to be more independent. My 2 year old, T, is still in diapers, but I figured when I need to change him, he can just lay on the floor or climb on the bed. We, also, just switched him out of his crib and into a toddler bed, so I won't have to worry about lifting him for nap time. The only other time I would need to pick him up would be getting into his carseat, but I won't be driving for a while anyways, so someone will always be with me to help with that. So I'm set right?? Wrong. These are my children. They are 2 and 3. They fall down, they get upset, they fight, they struggle. They need their mother and someone there to give a hug and kiss a boo-boo every once in a while! It's going to be difficult, and I know that. I also know that I have so much support around me to help when I need it. I have a husband who is planning on sacrificing his paycheck on our already tight budget to support his family the first few weeks after surgery. I have a mom and dad who live close by and are retired, willing to do anything they can to make this cancer disappear. I have two sisters, near and far, who would do anything to help in an instant. I have in-laws who have already shown so much love and encouragement. I have aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, and the list goes on. Now, more than ever, is my time to stow away my pride and accept the help as it is offered. I have already been overwhelmed with the support I have received from people, some of whom I don't even know, and it is comforting to know that you all still have my back. For this, I will be forever grateful.

Now my mind shifts to the logistics of what March 5th will bring. I have been following some other blogs and doing my research online to try to navigate between the different types of surgeries there are. In my search, I learned that most people who have metastatic breast cancer don't actually get a mastectomy at all. Apparently, the reasoning is that once the cancer has spread, there is no added benefit to removing the breasts. To anyone else, a mastectomy is supposed to prevent any leftover cancer cells left inside the breast from spreading to the rest of the body, but to a patient with metastatic disease, the damage is already done. In my case, however, I am young, the cancer has only metastasized to a small part of my spine, and there hasn't been any damage to the bone. My oncology team and I are determined to treat my cancer for cure no matter who says it is incurable. We are treating this like any other breast cancer case and I am confident that my breast surgeon will remove any remnants of cancer there is.

I have opted for a double mastectomy while removing both nipples and most lymph nodes on my left side and under my collar bone. I have met with my breast surgeon, who is the same woman that did my port placement, and we are both on the same page. It is a big surgery, but it is also very routine in this field, so I am not too concerned for the success of the actual procedure. More of my concern comes from the reconstruction side of things. Some women opt out of reconstruction, but, for me, I feel as though I need this added step to feel more comfortable in my own skin once everything is said and done. There are so many different routes you can take to make you feel "normal", but I need to just accept that no matter what I do, I will never get my body back to being as perfectly imperfect as it once was. It's amazing how no one ever thinks their body is perfect until you are forced to deconstruct it and mold it again. A woman's true beauty is in her imperfections, and you'll never quite get it just right. Perhaps I'll need to embrace this notion even more post-op....

After meeting with my breast surgeon, I met with a plastic surgeon who will be doing the reconstruction part of it all. Before meeting with her, I did some solid research to get an idea of what different options their were. Between implant reconstruction and autologous reconstruction, LAT flap, TRAM flap, DIEP flap, over the muscle, under the muscle... I still had no idea what to do! One big concern was that I would be doing radiation after my surgery. Radiation tends to make your skin super tight and makes it much more difficult to work with when considering reconstruction, especially with implants since the goal with that would be to stretch the skin beforehand. Since I would be getting radiation on my back, we decided that a LAT flap was not the best option - this is where you take skin, fat, and muscle from your back to create a new breast. A TRAM flap would take skin, fat, and muscle from my abdomen, but not only would it leave a huge scar, it would also be very difficult to recover from since we use our abdominal muscles so much every day! I did considered doing a DIEP flap, and my PS said I would be a good candidate as well. This would only take skin and fat from my abdominal area, but after examining me, we weren't convinced I would be happy with the results since I am fairly slim. She said I could potentially take tissue from other areas that are more fatty, like my thigh or buttocks, but I still don't feel quite comfortable with the recovery of something like that. I ultimately decided to go for expanders and implants. With an implant surgery, it is pretty likely that they will have to go back in to replace them over time, and there may be issues of my body rejecting the implant altogether, but my gut is telling me that this is the path I should take for now.

The plan is that in the same surgery, once my breast surgeon is done with the mastectomy, the plastic surgeon will go in and put expanders under my pectoral muscle. Every week or so, I will go in to have them injected with saline until they are expanded to how I would like them (don't worry, I won't turn into another Dolly or Pamela!) After they are fully expanded, I will complete radiation (TBD) and have a final surgery to swap the expanders out for the implants. Although radiation may effect the outcome of this type of reconstruction, I decided that I would rather try an "easier" surgery first before slicing my whole body open and moving more things around than I need to. I understand that this may not work as well as I hope, and I may have to go back to get things fixed, but if I have learned anything from this journey so far, it is to trust my intuition. I have never been one to make decisions easily, and this is not an easy decision for anyone, but it is my life, my body, and ultimately my decision on how to move forward. I am becoming more confident in this path I have chosen, but I am ready to take on any other obstacles I may face along the way. Wish me luck!

Cancer - Check!

Just a couple months ago, I thought I had a mediocre life. I was getting bored. I wanted everyday to be an adventure. I was sick of the day-in and day-out of wiping noses, ABC's, grocery shopping, and eating the same damn things for dinner. What I really wanted was a change in scenery. Maybe moving to a different state would solve all of these problems? Nah, I doubt it.

I guess you could say I get bored easily. My life wasn't really that uneventful, I'm just that oddball who actually likes change. I like the excitement of doing new things and creating new experiences with people! For several years, my life naturally brought new things to be excited about. I married my husband in 2013, just a year after graduating college. It was a beautiful, outdoor ceremony in July with all of our friends and family surrounding us under tall pine trees. Just a day after our honeymoon, we bought a little ranch-style house in a quiet neighborhood just next door to the town where I grew up. That year, we also adopted Cooper, our loud, always hungry, licking and sniffing Beagle! About a year after that, we found out we were having our first baby. I know every woman has her own thing to say about pregnancy, but I absolutely loved it! Those 9 months were so magical for me, and in 2015, our little girl was born (talk about life-changer!) Just before L's first birthday, we found out I was pregnant yet again! This time, it was a baby boy, and in 2016, T joined our family to add even more excitement!

Since then, it's been doing all we can to pay our bills, get rid of debt, and maintain our house, while creating the best possible childhoods for our kids. My husband and I have had quite the adventure so far, and rattling off these HUGE life events right now makes my life sound more exciting than I ever even realized! All I ever paid attention to was the lack of huge life events for the past 2 years...(wow, Sarah...calm down). I mean, how many life changing events does a single person even need to have in their lifetime? We were hoping to add a third child to our list, but I guess cancer is another life-changer!

I'm really not trying to be depressing when I say that, either... I am literally laughing as I am typing this right now. I wanted an exciting life thats ever-changing, and I am getting it that's for sure! Anyone want to direct my real-life movie?? Can Julia Roberts please play my character? I love her.

You're right, that's a whole other topic for a separate blog...

I guess what I am saying is 'be careful what you wish for'. We scroll through social media everyday seeing everyone's best life. Then, when other people share that their life is in shambles, we roll our eyes that they're complaining. We see these perfect snapshots of single moments in people's lives, but this is not their life all the time! No one wants to see a picture of you at work...(unless you're Mike Rowe or Ellen or something)...and no one wants a snapchat video of them nuking chicken nuggets for the third night in a row...(actually, I'm pretty sure someone's probably done that before, but that's besides the point!)We see the best sides of people's lives on social media because that's what we want to see! Yet, if all we do is compare our own lives to these unrealistic glimpses into other lives, sure we're going to be left wanting more for ourselves. In reality, though, the grass is not always greener.

I used to want an exciting life, something worth writing a blog about, and I sure as hell got it, but it comes with a price. Lately, I've been missing my boring life with nothing written on my calendar. Now, my days are filled with doctor's appointments and everything else is tentative depending on whether or not I can get up off the couch. Now, I wish I could go back to eating the same damn things for dinner instead of everything tasting weird or hurting my mouth when I chew. Luckily, I have been able to manage a pretty normal life for the second 10 days after treatment. It's on these days that I can go out with the kids on my own, run errands, take L to school, and save the relaxing until their nap-time. After each chemo, I countdown the days until I can do these things. I am actually looking forward to grocery shop! Sometimes, I'll even park further away so I can walk more, simply because I have the energy to!

Life before my diagnosis was almost like a checklist. I experienced all of these amazing things, but always rushed through them, eager to check off the next life event. Cancer has been my one life-altering event that you would think would be the one I'd want to rush through to get it over with, but instead it's convinced me to slow down. I can't look too far ahead or else I end up just scaring myself. Instead, I've learned to take everything one day at a time and truly embrace those boring days when I feel like myself again. It's days like these that keep me grounded and remind me of the life I used to live. They encourage me that I will once again have my life back and under control after all is said and done. This is a long process I am going through, but it is all temporary. In the meantime, I will keep living each day as it comes, just hoping for a day to simply run errands.

A Day in the Life

Well, here I am. I have been blessed with another day, and if you're reading this now, then you were, too - congratulations! Welcome back.

As I am writing this right now, I am sitting on my cozy couch, three days post chemotherapy #5. My fashionable attire consists of black and pink fuzzy socks, my favorite gray sweatpants (thank you TARGET!), a Magnolia t-shirt, a gray zip-up hoodie, and my fav cancer-friendly hat. All I can hear is the wind blowing the lingering leaves outside, the beagle slightly snoring, and the boiler in the basement stealing all my money as it keeps me toasty warm on this cold winter day.

I feel well-rested today, with the help of a late night Atavan to push me into that comatose state I so enjoy being in as I snuggle under my covers by 9pm. It was no later than 6:48am this morning, though, that I heard a gentle 'A-choo' followed by a much bigger 'A-thwew!'. A tiny pitter-patter escalated down the hallway and into my room. 'Mommy, I need a tissue'. L was awake and ready to start our day. After a wipe of her nose, and a quick trip to the potty, she climbed up into bed with me. We quietly talked about our sleeps while T was still dozing in his crib, and recalled what the plan was going to be for the day. But first, Fruit Loops.

Once we heard T waking up, L quickly rushed to his room to say 'good morning'. What sounded as a nice wakeup, turned into shouting and tears before I could even get up. Sometimes they can be so sweet, and other times just so very sour! Apparently, L took his sock off, something hit his head, and all was forgotten after a diaper change...Oh yeah, Fruit Loops!

We made our way into the kitchen for breakfast, when who should show up peering through the big, bay window, but Grammy! Thank goodness. L has school today, so Grammy picked her and T up this morning to have a much more exciting day than being cooped up in this house with me! Once a month, L's school has show & tell, which she is always so excited about. She always chooses to bring a stuffed animal with her, but she is always so proud and makes sure she remembers what their name is before heading out the door. Today is that special day. She decided to bring her beanie baby, 'Nibbler', with her. While she is at school for the morning, Grammy will take T to run some errands or go to the library.

I have the morning to myself. I always dreamed of this kind of day - staying in my pajamas, laying on the couch in silence, actually listening to and guiding the thoughts inside my head. Now that it's forced, though, it doesn't seem like that much fun. I miss my kids. I miss the background noise and chaos running around my house. As early as it felt waking up today with my girl, I love those cozy, quiet moments with her. How many more of those will I have before she's too grown to want to lay with her Mommy, or I am too sore to be able to cuddle with her? Sure, it's nice letting people help with your every day to-do's, but it's an even better feeling when you can get that control back and have the energy to take back the reins. Every week post-chemo, I dread not being able to do all that I can for my children and my family. I just need to remind myself that this state is only temporary. I am halfway through this round's fatigue, and I only have one more cycle left. One day at a time.

In the meantime, I will soak up every little moment I can, and embrace the little things that make up my most beautiful life. Sure, big trips and excursions, sports and dance classes, are good for anyone, but what really shapes your child is how they are loved. Let go of the pressure you face as a parent. Ignore that judgmental voice in your head questioning every decision you make. Slow down, listen to, and simply love your child. That is the most important thing you can do for them.