Flat AF!

Well, I did it! Just about 3 weeks ago I had my bilateral mastectomy and, despite the way I envisioned it, I am alive to tell my story! Before going in, I was terrified about the aftermath. Not so much about how I was going to look (I got over that pretty quickly), but how I was going to feel. I truly thought I was going to be in bed for weeks, not able to move, and in agonizing pain. Much to my amazement, I have been recovering SO much better than I ever thought I would.

This step has been different than the chemo part of treatment. With chemo, I felt like crap for about a week, then I'd feel better for a bit, have infusion again, and continue the roller coaster ride. After surgery, the only direction I was going was up. Each day felt better and better, and I could move more and more. It was frustrating not being able to drive or shower, hold my kids or reach things in the cupboards, but my range of motion improved everyday! I am so very grateful at how quickly I've bounced back!

Now, let me take you back to the morning of surgery...

I had to be at the hospital for 9am Tuesday, March 5th. We dropped the kids off at Grammy's the night before (thanks Mom!) so my husband and I were actually able to have a quiet dinner together and get a decent sleep despite the anticipation of a surgeon slicing me open the next day! Of course, I also had to fast beforehand. It was only from midnight the night before, but whenever anyone tells me that I can't eat, I feel as if I'm lost on a deserted island scrounging for food and all I can find is fucking tree bark. I may be exaggerating, but the fasting might have seriously been the hardest part.

So my husband brought me in for 9am. We checked in with the nurse, the hubby made sure he knew where the cafeteria was 😜, and we waited for them to call my name. When they brought us in, they gave me my oh-so flattering one-size-fits-all gown to wear with matching gripper socks. I was ready to rock and roll! Just kidding, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half, stomach growling while meeting different nurses, residents, my surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and signed a bunch of papers. Before they could wheel me into the OR, I had to go upstairs for the first part of my sentinel node biopsy. A radiologist injected a special blue dye into my breast that spread to my sentinel nodes, staining them bright blue so the surgeon knew where they were once I was opened up. Once she was in there, she would be able to remove them one by one and pass them on to the pathologist who was in the OR with us. Based on the pathology of each node, they could determine how far out they needed to go. This initial biopsy was a quick, painless procedure, and before I knew it I was on my way back downstairs. Shortly after my little field trip, they gave me a happy drug that felt like a couple glasses of wine. After this, it gets a little blurry (maybe it was more than a couple glasses??). I remember being in the OR with a ton of people around and they injected a nerve block into my arm that was actually quite painful! It only lasted a couple seconds, then before I knew it I was awake and in the recovery room being told that everything went well while i stuffed my face with chicken fingers and fries! Yum!

I'm not speaking for my husband when I say this, but I actually ended up sleeping pretty well that first night, all things considered. I mean, I probably would've slept better if they didn't keep checking my vitals and if they didn't give me a good wake up call at 6am with a team of about 10 doctors all staring at my unwashed face, but it's all good. Even soon after waking up from surgery, though, I was moving my arms more than I thought that I would be and I felt well enough to get up to use the bathroom - which BY THE WAY remember that blue dye they injected into me?? Yeah, my pee was bright blue for at least 24 hours! Crazy! Anyways, that next day, my surgeon came to visit me and we discussed the pathology of the lymph nodes and breast tissue. She told me that she removed a total of four nodes. The first two had micro-metastases so she removed a third one that came back clear! Just to be safe, she took out one more which was also clear so she was comfortable enough to stop there, YAY! As for the breast tissue, she said that there were some scattered, non-invasive cells but this was MUCH better than my initial diagnosis of 12cm of invasive cancer cells!! The cells that were remaining were not of too much concern, especially because she did everything she could to remove it all anyways. Not only did this report show some good news, but I was feeling just as good! This next day, I was slowly, but surely walking around that hospital floor struttin' my stuff. I had on this fancy, pink, floral, stretchy tube top along with some sweatpants, a hospital gown, and some new accessories hanging out of my sides - the infamous drains!

At home with my new "accessories"

I guess fasting wasn't so awful after all...those 'pain-drains' were definitely worse. I had one on either side of me. Picture a thin tube sticking out of my ribs with a little bulb at the ends collecting excess fluid my body was producing after surgery. Blech! Just thinking about them makes me quiver! They weren't so much painful as they were annoying and in the way. I didn't want to move too quickly in fear that they would get snagged on something and pull out. Showering was not going to happen because I get light-headed with things like that, but even taking a sponge bath was miserable! I couldn't even wear more than a couple different shirts, because the bulbs wouldn't fit... For over a week I was a hot, stinky mess! There are several companies that make accommodating shirts, though, that have pockets for the drains and button up nicely to make it easier to slip on and off. Lanyards and drain belts are also easy enough to find to get you through the couple weeks with drains (check out the Products I Love section above⬆). As with everything else I've been going through, I kept reminding myself that this was all temporary and they would be removed soon. Oh my, but once they were gone, I felt like a new woman! I had no idea that the majority of my discomfort was from those damn drains! Thank goodness I only had them in for 8 days. They were the longest 8 days of my life, but some people have them in for 2 or 3 weeks! No fun.

Drains are gone 8 days post-op!

I ended up staying in the hospital for 2 nights. As much as I missed being home with my children, I knew that once I was discharged, I would feel like I needed to do more than I should, and I was worried about the kids jumping on me. We made it home Thursday, and I was pleased to find that I was able to get into bed comfortably! Some people need to sleep in a recliner for a month before being comfortable enough to get in their beds, but with my pillows positioned just right (including my wonderful u-shaped pillow I mentioned in my last post!!) and scooting myself around like a dog, circling the perfect spot to lay down in, it was perfect. After coming home, a visiting nurse came to check on me once a week. She checked my vitals, monitored how my incisions were healing and what my drains were producing. At first I didn't think I would need a visiting nurse, but for a quick visit, it's reassuring to have a professional look me over and be there to answer any questions that came up before I followed up with my doctor.

Now, I am happy to say that my pillows are back to normal, I can wear pretty much my entire wardrobe, and I am feeling human again! I usually sleep on my back anyways, which was convenient, but every once in a while now, when I want to lay on my side, I can! At 3 weeks, with the help of lots of stretching and some yoga, I can reach my arms above my head and get things out of the cupboard on my own again! Even at the 2 week mark, I felt comfortable enough to be at home by myself with the kids, drive, and even run! I ran 3 miles two days in a row, which is back to what I ran just before surgery! It feels so good to get my body back and exercise simply because I CAN! Looking at my life right now, I don't think I will ever take advantage of this body that I have. We have one body to live in for the rest of our lives, it is up to us how we decide to use it.

For anyone reading this who has a mastectomy in their future, just know that there is a light and each of these steps is temporary. You will get better and you will get your life back! However, some people do not bounce back so quickly. I am young and I like to think of myself as a pretty active person. These things definitely help with recovering from anything, but I also opted for a less extensive surgery. If I had chosen to do reconstruction right away, my story would be completely different. I think that getting my butt back to the gym between chemo and surgery was the BEST thing I could have done. I built up my strength and got into a rhythm that I knew I wanted to get back to. My Livestrong program at the YMCA was my incentive to get moving again after surgery, even if it was just to walk on the treadmill. It got me out of the house and allowed me to pencil something into the calendar for myself that wasn't a doctors appointment! I am so relieved I only had to take one week off from the program. My team helped me out with the transportation for a bit, but it felt so good to be back. Sadly, I am almost at the end of my 12-week mark with Livestrong, but that will be a post for a different day...

Boob-Voyage!

It has been 36 days since my last chemo and roughly 25 days of feeling well enough to really enjoy the world around me. It has been absolutely wonderful waking up each day knowing that my hair is starting to grow back, my appetite is getting back to normal, and my energy is back to where it once was. I joined the Livestrong program at my local YMCA back in January, and I am finally feeling like my strength is where it once was! I've been running again (despite the way the DREAD-mill makes my shins feel) and I actually made it to 3 miles last week! I was so proud of myself! There are 7 other people in my Livestrong group, and twice a week we meet up at the gym with our trainers to regain the strength, endurance, and confidence we all once had. It's nice because we all can relate to each other with our current or past cancer diagnoses, but it doesn't end up being the center of our attention. We are more focused on escaping the poor realities of cancer, creating lasting relationships, and working hard for ourselves! Unfortunately, I will need to miss these next few weeks as I undergo a bilateral mastectomy tomorrow and phase into the recovery stage of this part of my treatment. I am determined to head back to the gym, but I also recognize that I cannot push myself too hard too fast through this difficult step. I want to heal the best I can, so I will begin by walking and avoiding any lifting or reaching over my head, then progress when my body is ready and my doctors give me the go-ahead.

I described my thought process about my upcoming surgery in a previous post, but since then I have decided to take a different route that I should probably touch base on. Originally, I was planning on doing reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy with expanders and implants. I was told that this could be difficult with radiation coming up after surgery, but I figured I'd give it a shot. However, I met with my plastic surgeon two weeks ago to go over any questions I had and to review what my options were. Maybe I was going in more open-minded or maybe my surgeon was more clear about it all this time, but she seemed quite concerned about any risk that could possibly postpone my radiation. Yes, the expander/implant procedure at the time of my mastectomy could work smoothly, but with my small frame, there may not be as much 'cushion' to support them, which poses a risk for open wounds and needing to go back in for more surgery before radiation could even begin. Adding the step of reconstruction simply means a more extensive surgery, meaning more risk for infection, as well. We really just want to avoid any possible complications and ensure that we can begin radiation as quickly as possible! Ultimately, we worked together to decide that delaying reconstruction would be my safest decision. The reality is, I have a metastatic disease and I need to focus on saving my LIFE before saving my BOOBS!

I was having a hard time deciding on a plan for reconstruction before that appointment. Nothing was really settling well with me and I just wasn't happy with any path I chose. I think I was feeling forced to make a decision about reconstruction while still grappling with the fact that I have metastatic breast cancer that I need to take care of! The whole process was feeling rushed, but as soon as I left that meeting with my plastic surgeon and decided to delay reconstruction altogether, it was as if a HUGE weight was lifted off my chest (no pun intended!) I knew I had made the right decision. I had told so many people of my plan for immediate reconstruction, but I wasn't concerned about that. It's OKAY that I changed my mind. This is my life we are talking about and I don't care how many different directions I spin in, I am doing everything I possibly can to make sure I end up in the right place. For now, I can focus on getting rid of this cancer and then, I can worry about the way I look when I am ready. One step at a time.

Now that I made a decision on the type of surgery I would be getting, I also had to figure out what I needed to have in the house for myself during the time I am in recovery! I was told time and time again that pillows are KEY! Pillows for under my seat belt, under my arms, across my chest, in my bed, on the couch, everywhere! Some people mentioned getting a wedge, or a 'husband' pillow, but I was gifted a U-shape body pillow from a friend I know who went through a similar procedure that I am going to try. I'll update you on how it goes! I also needed to think about what to wear...and unfortunately it won't be my fancy blue jumpsuit (please refer to my NYFW post from last month)! I will not be able to lift my arms much, so I stocked up on button-up tops and zip-ups to easily slide on. I was told camisoles are good, too, if you can step into them and slide them up. For the first few weeks, I will have drains for excess fluid that comes with having this type of surgery, so I also needed to consider how to manage these. I've seen different products out there to help like lanyards, shirts with pouches inside them, and little belts you tie around your waist. Lucky for me, I follow a page on Instagram (@breastinpeace_) that promotes different products people all over the US are willing to donate that they've used during their mastectomies. I commented on one of their posts that included a drain belt, a hospital gown, a button up t-shirt, a tote bag, and a bracelet, and received it within a week! It was perfect! I didn't want to spend so much money for something so temporary. I am also very fortunate to have a local friend who went through this treatment process not too long ago and is also willing to pass along her favorite products that saved her during this step!

With all of the stress and planning that goes into the mastectomy phase of treatment, it's been kind of nice to enjoy this 'time off' with my family and friends. Since my last chemo over a month ago, I have had one infusion of Herceptin/Perjeta that lasted just 2.5 hours with zero side effects! Unfortunately, there's no wiggle room with the timing of this treatment, so I will need to go back for another round less than a week after my mastectomy...joy. I also received my first Zoladex shot just to the left of my belly button that puts my body into menopause and ensures that I do not produce any estrogen to fuel this ER+ fire. This also gave me very little side effects besides hot flashes, acne, no period, and no chance of pregnancy. Oddly enough, outside of these visits, I feel as if I'm cancer free! It's nice to feel somewhat normal again, but it's quite the reality check that behind all of these 'normal' days and big smiles, is a mind thinking about mastectomies and radiation, and a young woman's body still fighting off cancer.

As I get closer and closer to my surgery date, I am becoming more and more anxious about it. Last week, I was quite confident and not worrying about it at all, though. My mind was focusing on surprising my mom for her 60th birthday and getting ready to celebrate my "Boob-Voyage" party that my friends had been planning at Hooters. That's right, a party at Hooter's to give a final farewell to my boobs! I have some pretty kick-ass friends! It was such a fun girls night filled with lots of smiles and laughter, Passion Fruit cocktails with proceeds donated to breast cancer research, a DIY photo booth, and an incredible boob cake! I am so grateful to have so many wonderful women in my life that are ready to celebrate every chance we can get! We stick by each other and lift each other up during difficult times, and it truly makes this crazy life so much easier! This is the kind of tribe everyone needs!

So, it's finally here. Tomorrow is the day I go in for my bilateral mastectomy. As nervous as I am, I am so ready to get this thing over with so I can begin the recovery phase! I keep telling myself that this is all just temporary. I will be sore and this will be painful, but this too shall pass. I have warned my kids that Mommy may not be able to play with you like she usually does but everything will be back to normal before we know it! I am so grateful for my family and friends who have shown their support and offered anything and everything to make this recovery process go as smoothly as possible! I honestly don't know what I would do without such kind people in my life. Let's do this thing!